So now it has been 3 years since I gained remission. I look back on the pictures and I wonder who that person is. It certainly isn’t me. It’s funny the sense of detachment. Perhaps it was once me but it isn’t now and that person doesn’t exist anymore. I am only the version of me right now. That said all those moments, all those people have made me. Every mistake, every tear and every triumph. All these people I have been but am no longer. It is amazing the strange, twisting and difficult journey I have traveled to get to where I am today. I am proud of who I am and what I have survived. I am no longer so many things. I have surpassed much. When I look back even before the sickness there was so much pain. So many things I let hold me back. I don’t hate me anymore. I’m not angry. I’m not caught up on what is and isn’t fair. There simply isn’t time in life to waste. I lost my father at a young age, while we had a great relationship I was only a child. I never got to have adult conversations with him, never knew him as anyone other than Dad. He died too young, I have not and for this I am so grateful. I get to go on and have moments and conversations. I get to be apart of this amazing world with all its flaws and all its beauty. How could I possibly waste time, life and love being angry or bitter? I have been given such a gift in life. I can see so much beauty all around me and I do not want to waste one minute because I know better than most how quickly it can all be over.
instinctive transmission
- I am still here
-
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
salaciouskitten- May 21st, 20:58
at peace
- Life at the moment
-
- salaciouskitten
- April 26th, 11:54
- reflective
I never seem to write here anymore. Perhaps I have tired from baring my soul online or maybe I'm just too busy. Many things have been changing in my life.
So I broke up a relationship that needed to end. A friend of mine said something to me a couple of months back that really caught in my mind like a barb. Is it not wrong to be with someone when you already know how it will end ant that you will be the one to end it. Just a matter of time in a comfortable limbo. Where no person is gaining anything or growing. When it gets to the point where you are just there because you are. Just a routine you haven't evaluated in a long time because you don't want to think about everything that is wrong with it.
I really did try for a while there to let love conquer all. I told myself that maybe this is what a long term relationship was. I lied to myself saying maybe this is the best I'll ever get and that it was enough for me. But none of these things were true, and deep down I knew that. I was getting tired of pushing shit uphill.
So I did what I do when I have reflected, when I can clearly see that something is wrong. I took action. I broke the seal. I removed myself from my comfort zone. A safety net that that has been with me through my illness is no more. It is hard to move away from someone you love without hurting them. It is a delicate surgery.
Right now more than anything else I need to be on my own. So much has happened to me. I need to see myself without the lens of a relationship distorting my view. I don't want to be responsible for anyone else. I want and need to be selfish right now, to put my energy into my projects, my future.
Above all else I am happy. I am doing what I want without letting anything pull me down or hold me back. I am doing what I do best, going forward.
I love my degree. It makes me feel good. Everyday there is more to learn and problems to solve. I am constantly being given new pieces of the puzzle that is the human body. It is such a remarkable machine with so many levels. I am passionate about what I do and for me that makes all the difference. In this part of my life I know I am doing the right thing. I'm excited by the opportunity to use my mind in such a way that I will be making a positive impact on the world. To help those who truly need it. Right now there is no doubt in my mind that I will get into medicine and I will be a doctor. Exactly what type can wait until I've had more exposure.
- Thoughts of the day
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- salaciouskitten
- March 29th, 1:29
tired
There is so much in this world that I do not know, that I will never see and probably wouldn’t understand if I did. We all have a piece of life. We all have our niche, the spot in which we create our story. Where we feel, where we experience. Where we get hurt and where we laugh. It is inevitably a limited place, but that is okay, because we are only what we are. No more, no less. There are only some faces we will remember, only certain moments we will recall. When we die our organised assemblage of knowledge, ideas and wisdom will evaporate. Lessons learnt become forgotten. These pieces, fragments and concepts float around waiting for the next passer by to have an experience and grasp for an answer. To find a reason and to understand, to form a logic, an assemblage of thoughts that makes sense for that particular circumstance. And on and on it goes. Life begins and life ends. So many people, so many stories, far too much for a simple mind.
- Life is moving up.
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- salaciouskitten
- March 25th, 15:56
- excited
So damn happy. I've been really stressed out lately due to my finances. Centrelink cut me off 4 weeks ago and I've been waiting for my mother's tax return to come through to get money again. It has been really hard and my savings are pretty much gone.
Today life decided to help me out. I got a scholarship for the rest of my degree. I 'll still have to pay hecs eventually but it means they'll give me a couple of grand cash this year and next to help me out.
- (no subject)
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- salaciouskitten
- March 19th, 19:46
- tired
Blah. Uni is hectic. I keep getting sick. I think it is the weather/going around/dirty uni student/stress. I'm not going to die or anything just sneezy, headachey and occasionally vomity.
I'm excited about Easter, not because I care much for randomly shaped chocolate, but Danny and I are going to Sydney for a few days. I haven't had a holiday in over a year. I'm mostly going to see my Grandma, it's her 94th birthday and she is still one very sharp woman. She's great for a laugh.
I'm really happy with my self control, over the last 6 weeks I've managed to lose 6kgs. Mostly due to diet. It's funny how easy it is to lose weight when you stop eating junk. I just cut out soft drink and anything packaged with really high sugar and/or fat. I'm mostly eating meat, fruit and vegies with some occasional pasta and bread. I just felt the need to detox after so many years of chemotherapy and painkillers.
Yeah, I'm procrastinating now... Time to go back to my assignment.
- Update
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- salaciouskitten
- March 13th, 14:57
- happy
I have now finished my second week back at uni. I'm feeling really good. Now that I actually have some sort of purpose to my life everything else seems to be falling into place. My sleeping and eating habits have normalised, I'm feeling healthier and just plain happier. I find my course to be both challenging and interesting. Well, at least more so than staying at home with nothing to do.
My favourite subject at the moment is developmental biology. We are in the process of learning how a one fertilised egg can become an fully developed person. Basically how you can start as a ball of cells and how/where developing tissues and organs come into being etc. I am really interested in this subject because it leads to stem cell research and trying to figure out how we can grow organs from scratch or cure leukaemia.
Molecular biology is mostly just more detail on DNA of people, viruses and bacteria.
My hardest subject is probably physics, which is a 1st year subject. Mostly because I haven't really done a whole lot of math or physics for at least 5 years. It is coming back to me and it's nice to be actually learning stuff.
I find in funny that my 3rd year subject (Cardiovascular physiology) is probably the easiest subject so far, I guess that is just because it is the same material we covered last year but we actually have to pretend to be scientists this time (do a clinical trial, do way too much reading and research, write a proper scientific report, give presentation on that etc).
In summary, life is good, my brain still works and apparently so does my body.
- Sleep?
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- salaciouskitten
- March 2nd, 3:47
awake
I tried to be good. I went to bed early. Then I woke up after four hours. I am still wide awake an hour later and need to get up in around 3 more hours... Tomorrow is going to be a long first day back at uni.
- Mental blah
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- salaciouskitten
- February 22nd, 23:46
blah
After such a long time of waiting many strings are pulling together. Time is marching on and life is happening. I have been in such a vacuum. Emotionally, physically. Now things are happening and my brain has thoughts and words again. I have been drudging through life for so long. I am now at a destination. Things are happening.
One week until uni begins. I now have things to do and organise. So many seemly important distractions. I guess that is what humans do to fill life up until the end. If you do nothing with your life you are bitter and life seems to go on forever. If your life is full there is never enough time. I guess that leads to the conclusion that you should do many things in your life but ensure you make time for what is truly important to you. Don’t get caught up in what doesn’t matter. But then what matters is entirely subjective anyway. We all grew up elsewhere and absorbed different messages. Each with our versions of reality and morality.
When we are young are brains are clay. We are waiting for information to mould us, to tell us what to do, how to respond. We suck up our environment taking in every little detail, consciously or not, and this is how the world is for us. From these experiences these lessons and observations we tell ourselves what we can and cannot do. What is right and what is not. With these beliefs we make decisions and with these decisions come actions. These actions show us who we are.
Unfortunately all these assumptions don’t really give us any answers. We still have to find out for ourselves, feel for ourselves which direction is the right one.
- Onward and upward
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- salaciouskitten
- February 17th, 21:44
energetic
I am feeling really good. I just came back from a 45 minute bike ride. I rode 7.7km around the suburbs according to Google maps. I am feeling really good and strong. Last month I was able to ride 4.7km in 30 min. I am getting faster and I can ride for longer. I definitely need to keep up all the good work. Physiotherapy has put me in the best physical shape I can recall being in. It feels good. I am alive.It is utterly amazing to me that in mid October I was in surgery and now in mid February I can ride my bike for 45 minutes. I am so proud of myself. The effort I have put in, the advantage of being young, the mindset to push myself. I am so lucky.
I go to physiotherapy three times a week and I am surrounded by those that will never do as well as me. It does feel strange. There I am working out hard on the cross trainer and I’m watching the elderly or stroke victims trying to walk a 10 metre straight line. Then I remember that I was like that four months ago. It has only taken four months to go from major surgery and morphine to pushing my own endurance level and cycling around the streets. I am so lucky. I am so free. I was scared at the time. I didn’t want to be like the other people but then I guess I never was. I am young and they are not. That said I will be old one day and from what I have seen I will definitely be looking after my body. One of the joys of staying in a rehabilitation hospital is observing what life does to you if you don’t fight back. Age takes its toll that is inevitable. So are genetics but we can all control some aspects like staying active. I know what it is to be physically frail. I don’t want to go back there any sooner than I have to.
- life
-
- salaciouskitten
- February 6th, 1:19
- awake
So I guess its been a while since I wrote something here. I think I was waiting for something important or momentus to happen, but then I remembered. This is livejournal. I can write about whatever I feel like.
Life has been really good. I spent the last part of 2008 rebuilding my body with physiotherapy. I feel more like ME than I have in a very long time. I now realise just how much three years of illness and pain can break you down. The whole being ill has a definite surreal quality for me. I began to feel like a mind in someone else's body. Especially as I lost muscle and gained fat. I look back at photos of this bald, obese zombie and I don't recall being that person. I remember looking in the mirror and being shocked at what I saw. My self concept it a lot healthier now. Although I can't look at myself in the mirror. I've realised my face is far too childlike for me to take seriously. Maybe now I am an old mind in a young repairing body.
I've been going out a lot. Partying and just accepting whatever came. Testing my boundaries of course. To see if I was back to where I was before the illness. To see if I could still survive intense partying. Well I can, but I don't think it is the same. Of course I enjoy the freedom and physical release of dancing but I don't desire to run myself into the ground anymore. Maybe I'm just older and wiser.
- Todays thoughts
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- salaciouskitten
- December 22nd, 2008
- content
I am at a point in my life that very little binds me. I can see that I am free to move in any direction. I know I must choose wisely. I understand the finality of my actions.
The path I choose to devote the next part of my life to will be my future and become my history. My deeds and choices will shape who I am to become. I will not waste myself.
Despite being very young and with much time to live I do not feel young in my heart. I do not have that careless spirit. I will not leave things to another day. I will strive to go into the direction of my goals. To treat my days as precious gems knowing that every day that passes is one I cannot have back.
I refuse to allow fears or insecurities to trap me. To prevent me from trying, from playing life's game. I will not stand to the side or follow the flock.
I guess my passion does show my youth. All I know is that life can unexpectantly place you somewhere you do not want to be with no means of escape. Like death or illness. I choose to take control of the time and the days in my life where I can, because I know how hard it is to be broken, sick and helpless.
- Kitty update
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- salaciouskitten
- December 1st, 2008
- relieved
Zen had his surgery this morning. All went well. He should be coming home tomorrow. We need to hire a largish cat cage so he can have 'cage rest' for 6 to 8 weeks. Essentially so that he can't jump or run or do anything crazy while his hip and his pelvic fracture heals.
I am so relieved. I'm glad that I will be home most of the time during this period and can take good care of my kitten. He is never going outside again.
- Bad things happen
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- salaciouskitten
- November 29th, 2008
exhausted
When I went out last night in that back of my head I was very worried. My beautiful boy (cat) Zen had gone outside on Thursday morning and had not returned. When I came home around 5am I was hopeful he might be there, he was not. Around 10am I received a text message 'Hi,ur cat looks sick, stayed in my yard and don't eat'. Very worried I immediately called the number to find a Japanese woman who spoke very little English but enough to tell me where she lived. She lives on the other side of Dandenong road from me (princess freeway).
When Danny and I got there she had him in a box with news paper in it. He really stunk and she told us in very broken english that she had found him in her front yard the night before lying in the rain. When he saw us his little eyes perked up but I could see he was not in a very good way. We rush directly to the vet.
When we got to the vet it was quite clear he had been run over in the back half of his body. His back legs were floppy and obviously hurt him. Luckily his tail was still wagging angrily as he was assessed so he was not neurologically paralysed. When they took a urine sample there was blood in the urine. We were told we needed x-rays before we really knew what we were dealing with. If his organs were squashed he would be dead in the next 24 hours. I must admit I started crying my beautiful baby in so much pain, drenched in his own urine and the rain, I was so scared he was going to die.
We had to go to a nearby emergency vet to get the x-rays, his organs were fine but his bladder was bruised. He has a dislocated hip and a broken pelvis. He needs surgery. That vet told us to go to Lort Smith animal hospital as it would be a lot cheaper their. Despite being an emergency case it was 4pm before we got to see a vet there. He is going to be okay, but it is going to be expensive. Hopefully no more than $2000 overall.
He is currently there in intensive care on a hydration drip and pain medication, in a few days when his strength is up they will operate. I cannot express how happy I am that he has a very good chance of surviving. I am now emotionally exhausted. This is going to cost me all my savings and then some but what price can you put on love? He is only 4 1/2. He is like a baby to me, he is my companion. I fucking love the little twit. I just hope with all my heart that he comes through this okay. Usually I am the one who is sick, I now have a greater understanding for what it is like to be a helpless observer. It's much harder.
- Farmers Markets
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- salaciouskitten
- November 27th, 2008
interested
Due to my love of food I am on a constant quest to find higher quality fresh ingredients at reasonable prices. I haven't been to one yet, but I stumbled upon The Melbourne Community Farmers’ Markets web site today. They are essentially farmers who directly sell their product in stalls around inner city Melbourne (St. Kilda, Albert Park, Collingwood) on Saturday mornings (8am-1pm).
I'm just curious is anyone has been to one and what it was like? Or even if anyone is willing to brave a Saturday morning to come to one.
www.mfm.com.au/index.html
- Crazy Melbourne weather
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- salaciouskitten
- November 22nd, 2008
- amused
The weather is officially mad. It was hailing this morning.
Picture from my doorstep.
Now I have an ice garden.
Zen definitely doesn't like the look of all that cold wet stuff out there.
- Future
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- salaciouskitten
- November 20th, 2008
- contemplative
I am approaching my 22nd birthday. I am at the end of three years where my main goal has been to survive. Now that I have my life back I am wondering what the hell I am going to do with it.
I had a dream the other night. I was standing on top of a towering peak. I could see to the horizon in all directions. In my dream I was told that since I had finally made it to the top of the mountain I was now free to go in any direction I choose. That no way was right or wrong, all were equally valuable. Obviously this is symbolic of me right now. I am looking out and wondering what I should do and why. I am really thinking about what I want and how best to achieve my goals. It isn't actually all that simple.
I have a different outlook on life these days. I'm wondering if my obsession to become a doctor is such a good idea. Firstly I want to have children and spend a good deal of time with them. Secondly, I don't know if I want that much stress in my day to day life. Now that I have been so sick I am more aware of my frailty. Thirdly, I am wondering if my obsession for medicine comes back to a desire for approval from parents and self.
My goal had been to become a neurologist. So that by the time I was 40 I'd been in a role where I'd be seeing patients, doing research and teaching student doctors. This type of position leaves little time for much else. I've been thinking that perhaps I could become an academic instead. A professor eventually. That was I'd be doing research and teaching students without the additional stress of patients. It may give me more time for children. I don't know. The only thing I've decided is that I am going to do an honours year in physiology after my degree. It is ridiculously good for my resume whatever I end up doing and that way I'll get a feel for research and see if that is what I really want. If so great, if not onto medicine.
Obviosly this isn't a decision I'll make in ten minutes. I still want to do medicine, but I want to be sure I'm not making a mistake. I only want to do it for the right reasons. I don't want to not think about it then wake up one day and wonder why I choose that life. I also don't see a point of having children if in twenty years all I hear is "You never had time for me."
Any opinions?
- (no subject)
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- salaciouskitten
- November 8th, 2008
- relaxed
My progress continues to go well. All my muscles are sore from hydrotherapy last night, but in the they got used sort of way. The only real issue I've come up against so far is that whenever I push myself, as I always seem to do, I start getting a headache and feeling dizzy. Annoyingly enough this is a leave over from chemotherapy. My haemotoligst said to me that it may take one or two years after the end of treatment to feel 100% normal. I hadn't thought about it as I'd been feeling great since treatment ended, but now I do see what she meant. Hopefully in the next month I will be able to walk normally without crutches. My goal is to be able to go out on New Years.
I've realised that right now is a time of growth and renewal for me. After such a long time of loss I'm expecting it to be a big one. I see that as usual I've put myself into the antisocial corner. It is definitely time for me to start renewing past friendships and to begin new ones.
I have a lot of time to think at the moment. Many goals for next year are forming in my mind.
- Back home
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- salaciouskitten
- October 31st, 2008
- happy
Today I came home.
I am a little bit too tired and overwhelmed to go into explicit detail right now. I'll fill you all in later.
Just know that I am well, I am not in pain and I am walking better than ever. I am on crutches but apparently I have made a amazingly fast recovery, off the records even. The physiotherapists and doctors have been using me as a guinea pig to see what I can do, and every time they are surprised.
I am very happy. After two years as a chemo zombie and one year in constant pain I am finally free. It feels so good, I am ridiculously happy right now.
I'm pain free and not on any pain medication, remarkable being only 16 days since I had muscle cutting and bone sawing surgery.
I'll post more later.
- One more week
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- salaciouskitten
- October 6th, 2008
- sleepy
I got a call today to say my surgery is going to be postponed by one week. My surgeon is on call tonight and doesn't want to do the operation if he hasn't slept. Understandibly so. One more week. I'm just glad I have a responsible surgeon who doesn't just want to get me out of the way. That and he called me, not one of his lackeys. That definitley gives him extra credit.
- Insomnia
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- salaciouskitten
- October 5th, 2008
- awake
I'm not sleeping too well. I'm scared. In a few days I will be irreversibly altered. My physical structure will never be the same.
It's funny how I care so much about these bits of 'me' when I'm really just a well organised lump of transitional matter. There is no cell in my body that is permanent. My cells are constantly cycling through growth, maturity, death and renewal. Which will continue until the death outweighs the renewal. I am a mosaic of materials my body has acquired, broken down and transformed.
I guess the difference is that I will no longer match my genetic blueprint. Is my body going to be confused? I think it already is. Recently some of my healthy bone decided to be helpful by trying to grow into and restore my dead bone. All it did was cause fracture. The brittle bone could not accommodate flexion or renewal.
It's funny to think about bone as a living structure. It seems so inanimate and unchanging. In truth it is a highly porous material with minerals and nutrients constantly moving in and out. I guess the question is how will my body react to a solid and unchanging piece of coated titanium with ceramic attachments? Hopefully it will grow around it and pretend it's normal.
In the end it doesn't matter what I think. I'll be fine and it's not like I have a choice. I don't like the idea of constant agony and a wheelchair lifestyle.
Perhaps it is just hard to accept that my body is broken. Yeah, I know that sounds stupid coming from someone who just got over leukaemia. But I couldn't see that. It just wasn't tangible. I was sick. I was given chemicals that fucked me up as much as fixed me and now I'm fine, well mostly. This is different. Pieces of bone in a jar different. If they let me I will keep the evidence. Forever proof of my faulty physicality.
I guess I just deal with it all by ignoring and keeping busy. It wont matter when it is no longer effecting me. I'll just get on with life because that is what I do.
All these health problems have made me appreciate the little things in life. I'm lucky because I've had a glimpse of disability, but in a few months I'll be healthy again. I will be able to walk again. The pain will stop. There will be dancing. So many people don't have this opportunity.
I appreciate my body now. I understand that without its wellbeing I cannot be, let alone think, create or aspire.
I really don't believe in fairness or luck in the game of life. What happened, happened. I don't expect any get out of jail free cards. I have to create for myself a happy and meaningful life.
